Тирдра

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Эта пещера теперь в границах цивилизации и в ней больше нет места чудовищам.

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Пожалуйста, выйдите из темноты, держа копыта, когти или щупальца на виду.

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Ну здорово. Гидра.

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Слушай, я знаю, что ты отращиваешь головы.

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Просто скажи, где у тебя сердце.

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Или я начну с задницы, что будет хуже для нас обеих.

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Не волнуйся, я просто уйду.

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Погоди, что? В чём проблема?

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Ты беременная или раненая?

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- Я не хочу драться.

- Уверена?

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Я никогда не говорю это противникам, но знай, что у тебя есть приличный шанс.

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Не, я понимаю. Люди не хотят видеть чудовищ рядом с городом.

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- Я пойду на юг.

- В той стороне еще больше городов.

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Тогда на восток?

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Города повсюду, да?

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Да вот, понастроили мы их.

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Ладно, полностью понимаю.

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Спасибо за профессионализм.

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Эй, тебе тоже.

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И я это серьёзно.

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Уверена, ты могла бы меня убить.

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Хм, всё бывает в первый раз.

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Классная гидра.

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Эй, гидра, я не спросила твое имя.

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Эй, эй, эй, какого чёрта ты творишь?

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Клянусь, это не был крик о помощи.

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Я думала, ты уже ушла.

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Я предлагала убить тебя, а ты мне отказала.

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О чём ты думала?

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У нас так не принято.

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- У нас?

- Слушай, мы обе старой закалки.

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Мне тоже не нравится, к чему всё идёт.

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Но это... Так не делается.

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Это трусливо. Это не... круто.

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Я не хочу быть крутой.

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Я хочу, чтобы меня перестали ненавидеть.

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Ладно. Ну, не плачь. Не будь слабачкой.

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Ты не дала мне убить себя, только чтобы сделать мне еще хуже?

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Нет, но дай мне поблажку.

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Я впервые стала причиной чьей-то жизни.

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Помните гидру, которой мы все так боялись?

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Я поговорил с сестрой, и ее больше нет.

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Что вы на это скажете?

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Теперь можно сделать что-то с рекой?

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- Она воняет.

- Конечно.

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Но я имел в виду, что вы скажете про гидру?

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- Ее же больше нет?

- Да.

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Ваш царь всё уладил.

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Тогда что насчёт вонючей реки?

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Что делать, чтобы мебель не оставляла заноз?

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- Поговорить с плотником.

- Как скоро вы это сделаете?

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- Как быть отцом?

- Как быть отцом?

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Я-то тут при чём?

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До городов многие дети умирали раньше.

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Теперь они вырастают и могут дать сдачи.

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Вы что, не хотите жить в мире,

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где у каждого человека есть свобода и власть над своей жизнью?

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- А он прав.

- Вот и хорошо.

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И как нам это сделать?

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Я дождусь благодарности?

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Я сделал дело!

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Вам мешала гидра.

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Ее больше нет! Скажите, что я хороший царь.

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Никто не может?

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Я вижу руку. Давай.

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Я не думаю, что хороший царь так сильно гнался бы за одобрением.

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Отличное собрание, ребята.

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Надеюсь, дети выбьют из вас всю дурь.

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Может, нам всё бросить?

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Я за. А что мы бросаем?

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- Цивилизацию.

- Сейчас нельзя.

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Нужно осовременивать общество, пока женщины не перестанут выбирать по физической силе.

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- Ти, мы это обсуждали.

- Между собой.

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Мне затопить город?

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Нет, река воняет.

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О, пчёлы!

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Всегда хотела попробовать.

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Пчёёёёлы!

- Мама, стой.

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Я ничего не брошу.

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Просто меня не ценят.

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Ну, всего парочку пчёл, можно?

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Парочку пчёёёёл.

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Колосса, ты в порядке?

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Ты стыдливо пихаешь еду в карманы,

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вместо того чтобы бесстыдно пихать ее в глотку.

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Какими мы стали внимательными, косички на бороде.

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А вот грубить незачем.

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И что ни говори про косички на бороде, они всегда в моде.

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Берегитесь, пара пчёл.

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Я это сделала!

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Убери их отсюда!

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Не маши руками, и они от тебя отстанут.

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Ай, ай, это худший день в моей жизни.

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- Ой, перестань.

- Ты перестань.

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Мое лицо распухнет, как дыня.

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От отёка поможет уксус и ивовая кора.

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Правда? О боже мой!

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- Гидра! Убей ее!

- Какого?..

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- Убей!

- Успокойся.

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Ты говорила то же о пчеле.

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- Я разберусь.

- В смысле?

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- Надо отрубить голову.

- Нет!

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- Этого делать нельзя.

- Не делай этого.

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Прошу прощения.

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Мы обе просим.

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А, гидры, точно. Я это знала.

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Надо отрубить все головы.

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Нет, это КамИлла. Моя подруга.

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О, ты дала мне имя.

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Ты привела гидру домой?

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Единственное чего я достиг, и ты даже этого не сделала.

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Где она?

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Внизу.

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Как ты протащила ее сюда незаметно для всех?

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- Я глава безопасности.

- Похоже, это не твое.

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У тебя из каждой отрубленной головы вырастают две новые.

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Это ведь неудобно?

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Когда их много.

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Но можно убирать целые ветви шей, отрубая их ближе к стволу.

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О, очень любопытно.

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Ты хочешь жениться на гидре?

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Нет, но если ты ни с кем не встречаешься...

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Хватит. Избавься от нее.

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Если город узнает, что гидра живёт здесь,

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они достигнут невозможного, став еще неблагодарнее.

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- Твоему папе нужны оливки.

- Не лезь.

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- Так, что?

- Твои родители со мной в обеденном зале,

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и твой папа просит принеси бочку оливок.

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Оливки в кладовой.

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Их там нет. Но постой.

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Твоя мама отрезала больше голов, чтобы я осмотрелась.

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Оливки на восточном балконе.

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Твой папа говорит спасибо, и просто к сведению, пшеница и рис заканчиваются.

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А от нее есть польза.

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Мы можем ее оставить?

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Пожалуйста, пожалуйста, пожалуйста, пожалуйста.

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Я не стану за ней убирать.

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Ура!

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- Эй, КамИлла.

- Да?

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Спроси у сестры, что убьёт гарпию.

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Она говорит, лава.

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Хорошо, пошли кого-нибудь за ведром лавы и отмени обед с папой.

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Без проблем.

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Назначим другое время?

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Он говорит "позже".

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Она и правда полезна.

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- Для некоторых.

- Она избавляет меня от многих хлопот.

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Смотри. Мой сын уже женился?

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- Нет.

- Можешь напомнить, что я родила его не веселья ради?

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- Да.

- И как я без этого жила?

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Она говорит, что родила тебя не...

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Можно проигнорировать ее так, чтобы она не узнала?

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- Безусловно.

- И как я без этого жил?

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Кто-то стучится в ворота дворца.

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Что? Кто пришёл в такую рань?

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- Сейчас узнаю.

- Хорошо.

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Стой, что? Нет, КамИлла, нет!

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Гидра!

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Он не назвался.

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Я вполне уверен, что это городской глашатай.

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Гидра! Гидра!

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Гидра живёт во дворце!

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На площади собирается напуганная толпа. И сегодня местами облачно.

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Спасибо.

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Успокойтесь все, пожалуйста.

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Гидру не просто незачем бояться.

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Вам понравится то, что она даёт городу.

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Я подготовил демонстрацию с двумя головами гидры.

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Гидра!

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Можно нам менее паникёрского глашатая?

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И можно мне добровольца?

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Давр, ты наш старейшина.

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Эй, меня не трожь! Мне сорок!

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Просто подойди к моему брату.

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Прошепчи мне что угодно в ту голову гидры вдали.

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Спасибо.

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Не спеши.

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Давр, это был сарказм.

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Ускорься.

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Что?

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О, очень умно.

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Он сказал, "Плохой царь спрашивает "что?"

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Будь я проклят, сработало!

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Эту систему можно внедрить по всему городу.

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Конечно, потребуется много планирования и координации, или...

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Вжик-вжик.

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Еще!

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Или можно просто...

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Я потеряла тебя. Ты меня слышишь?

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Как понять, что она работает?

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Говорит, я постоянно вишу на своей гидре. А я такая...

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Я просил три пучка...

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Можете заменить?

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- Спасибо.

- Спасибо. Лучше?

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Ти, я не уверена в этой идее.

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Я уверен. Что может быть умнее, чем соединить всех глупых людей друг с другом?

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Меня беспокоят не они.

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Я беспокоюсь за Камиллу.

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Нет, всё нормально, Колосса.

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Меня перестали ненавидеть.

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Быть полезной здорово.

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Камиллу можно использовать для свиданий?

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Она скроет твой голос, лицо и тело.

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Так что это твой лучший шанс.

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Я о том же подумал!

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Я говорю с тобой по ней прямо сейчас.

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Подожди, у меня тут разговор по другой голове.

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- Камилла?

- Да?

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- Как там мои люди?

- Они очень довольны.

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- Благодаря мне?

- Благодаря тебе, мне и друг другу.

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Мы улучшили их жизнь.

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Им нравлюсь я. И ты за то, что дал им меня.

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Я им нравлюсь? Они правда так и говорят?

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- Постоянно.

- Как часто?

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Можно спросить?

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Как часто я им нравлюсь?

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Только сегодня утром ты нравился 331 раз.

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О, меня ценят, такое незнакомое чувство.

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И не говори. Что еще я могу сделать?

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Просто говори, кому я нравлюсь.

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Ты успел понравиться еще двенадцати людям.

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- А сейчас?

- Девяти.

00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,680

Почему он нравится людям чаще, чем я?

00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,180

Он улучшил их жизнь, представив меня городу.

00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,060

Да, несколько дней назад.

00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,600

А я только сегодня утром показала новый ободок.

00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:21,060

- Людям нравится ваш ободок.

- Но меньше, чем мой сын.

00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:22,900

Они знают, что я его создала?

00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,730

Он по сути ободок, который я не могу носить.

00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,700

Дорогая, может быть, отпустим головы гидры

00:09:28,780 --> 00:09:32,410

и повзаимодействуем по старинке, с участием пениса?

00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:34,580

Я хочу сделать объявление по всей гидре.

00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,620

- Говорите.

- Я Делирия.

00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,960

Я... Стой, не отправляй это.

00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,160

Чего ты хочешь?

00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,830

Любви, заняться ею.

00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,630

Или займись ей где-нибудь еще.

00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:45,340

У меня тут кризис в разгаре.

00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:49,510

Начнём божественное объявление заново. Не отправляй, пока не скажу.

00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:52,470

Делирия обращается к вам через гидру.

00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:56,220

Ох. Слишком отчаянно.

00:09:59,810 --> 00:10:02,270

Всё в порядке? Ты редко мной пользуешься.

00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,940

Потому что, назойливый ты кошмар,

00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:07,780

смысл жизни не в том, чтобы нравиться на словах воображаемым незнакомцам.

00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:10,610

А в том, чтобы тебя физически ублажали настоящие незнакомцы.

00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,530

Мне сказать об этом людям?

00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:17,950

Нет, я не хочу, чтобы ты что-то кому-то обо мне говорила, и я не люблю конфликты.

00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,200

Они помеха сексу.

00:10:19,290 --> 00:10:20,500

Им незачем знать, что это ты.

00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:25,340

Что-что? Говоришь, я могу отправлять через тебя анонимные сообщения?

00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:26,500

Да.

00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:29,300

Необычайно возбуждающая перспектива.

00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:34,310

Извини, не знала, что ты не один.

00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,650

Это эксперимент.

00:10:35,690 --> 00:10:37,190

Я не осуждаю.

00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,940

Я нашла кое-кого подходящего тебе.

00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:41,150

Ее привлекает интеллект.

00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:42,240

Так бывает?

00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,690

Внешность для нее не важна.

00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,860

Даже самую малость?

00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:48,070

Потому что я не хочу обмануть ожидания.

00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:52,200

У вас общие три цели в отношениях, но в разном порядке.

00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:55,960

- Что она говорит?

- Безопасность, контроль, азатем готовность.

00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,880

Странно. Что хорошего в контроле без готовности?

00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,590

Думаю, в целом вы хорошая пара.

00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:02,000

Ты права. Я придираюсь.

00:11:02,090 --> 00:11:03,670

- Где мы встретимся?

- Она живёт в лесу.

00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,680

Ну здорово. Ты сводишь меня с уродливым чудовищем?

00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:07,840

Она спросила о том же.

00:11:07,930 --> 00:11:09,800

Да, я уродливое чудовище!

00:11:09,890 --> 00:11:11,060

Вы сказали, внешность не важна.

00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,720

Конечно, мы не могли этого не сказать.

00:11:13,810 --> 00:11:15,230

Мы оба отвратительны.

00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:17,281

Но внешность важна для всех.

00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,860

Это будет просто встреча двух мерзких чудовищ в лесу.

00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:21,820

И мы оба скажем: Оу, ты тоже.

00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:24,280

Это будет ужасно, я не могу этого сделать.

00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,280

Скажи ей забыть об этом.

00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,360

Он говорит забыть.

00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:27,410

Что? Что произошло?

00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:28,530

Он не хочет, чтобы я говорила.

00:11:28,660 --> 00:11:32,540

Ясно, ладно. А вот то, что ты обязательно должна сказать ему.

00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,580

Что? Что ее так разозлило?

00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:37,330

Какая мелочная реакция на то, что ее бросили.

00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:38,750

Скажи, что она двойне брошена.

00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,840

Она говорит, это невозможно, потому что ты ее не бросал.

00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,460

И ей жаль, что ты стыдишься своего уродства.

00:11:44,550 --> 00:11:45,920

Неважно. В игнор.

00:11:45,970 --> 00:11:47,680

Не хочу больше ее слышать.

00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,090

А что бы ты хотел услышать?

00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:50,550

Так, хм...

00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:55,680

Что популярно у одиноких мужчин, которые хотят быть одинокими, потому что они независимые?

00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:58,980

Людям нравится слушать объявления от анонимного чудовища.

00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,770

Звучит великолепно. Давай послушаем.

00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:04,900

Система гидры превратила всех в этом городе...

00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:10,030

...в капризных, эгоистичных детей, присосавшихся к ядовитой груди популярности,

00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:13,910

пока наши реальные отношения в реальной жизни в дерьме...

00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,000

Как наша вонючая река. Которая, кстати, воняет, потому что все в нее испражняются.

00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,750

И никто ничего с этим не сделает,

00:12:19,790 --> 00:12:24,960

потому что ваша богиня и ваш царь лучше будут слушать, как они всем нравятся, чем выполнять свою работу.

00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:26,800

Стоп, стоп! Я не хочу это слышать.

00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,670

Почему стало популярным нас ненавидеть?

00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,050

Не знаю. Только не увольняй меня.

00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:35,930

Думаю, люди ненавидят меня, потому что со мной им стало проще ненавидеть друг друга.

00:12:36,020 --> 00:12:37,680

Так перестань им это позволять!

00:12:37,730 --> 00:12:39,230

Я не могу им запретить.

00:12:39,270 --> 00:12:41,520

Я стану бесполезной, и меня возненавидят сильнее.

00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,940

Тебе не нужно запрещать.

00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:45,110

Просто научись оценивать ситуацию.

00:12:45,190 --> 00:12:46,440

- Оценивать ситуацию?

- Да.

00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:51,070

Когда кто-то что-то спросит, ты спроси у себя: Зачем они это спрашивают?

00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,620

И дай им ответ, который, ну, ты поняла...

00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,790

- Ты хочешь, чтобы я врала?

- Я так не говорил.

00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,040

Никто не хочет, чтоб им врали.

00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,790

Все приходят к тебе из-за твоей полезности.

00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:01,920

- Ты хочешь полезной?

- Это всё, чего я хочу.

00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,000

А люди не пользуются тем, из-за чего чувствую себя неправыми.

00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:07,300

Они хотят быть правыми. Улавливаешь?

00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:09,550

Кажется, да. Я приму твои корректировки.

00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:11,550

Это верняк.

00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:12,970

Мой зад не слишком большой?

00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:15,140

Нет. Если это не именно то, чего ты хочешь.

00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,140

Ты должна быть просто довольна собой.

00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,180

Почему я много чего не понимаю?

00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:21,770

Потому что люди слишком всё усложняют.

00:13:21,850 --> 00:13:23,532

Почему у меня нет еды?

00:13:23,532 --> 00:13:26,820

Из-за тайного сговора людей у власти, которые всем управляют.

00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:28,940

Это всё объясняет.

00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,080

Ты прекрасный лидер.

00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,500

Ты никогда случайно не заправлял свой плащ в трусы.

00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:43,790

Эта причёска тебе идёт.

00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,090

- Что ты делаешь?

- Наслаждаюсь популярностью.

00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:50,090

- Скажи ей, Камилла.

- Всем нравится он и всё, что он делает.

00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,790

- Всем, включая меня?

- Да.

00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,680

Ты явно врёшь. Мне это не нравится.

00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:55,970

Камилла, это правда?

00:13:56,010 --> 00:13:57,890

Нет, согласно моим источникам.

00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,220

Мои источники - мои глаза. Выгляни с балкона.

00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:03,810

Мне незачем. Для этого у меня есть Камилла.

00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:07,110

Я всегда могу вывернуть тебе голову и заставить посмотреть.

00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:08,110

Ладно.

00:14:12,330 --> 00:14:14,290

Почему город вечно горит?

00:14:14,330 --> 00:14:16,540

Разве всё не сделано из камней?

00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:22,590

Почему никто не тушит пожары?

00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:24,920

Зачем нам тушить то, что мы не поджигали.

00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,090

Потому что огонь - плохо.

00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:29,340

- Тащите вёдра воды!

- Ну нет.

00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:31,310

Это вина западного Крапополиса.

00:14:31,390 --> 00:14:33,270

В этом городе одна улица.

00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:36,020

У нас не может быть восточного и западного Крапополиса.

00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,690

Камилла сказала, это их вина.

00:14:37,690 --> 00:14:40,150

- Да.

- Она сказала, пожар начали западные.

00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:42,110

- И это правда.

- Камилла, ты не помогаешь.

00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:45,070

Все перестаньте вести себя как безумцы и несите воду.

00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:48,280

Из реки, испорченной грязными восточными Крапополисцами?

00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,450

Я не знаю, в чём дело, но это надо исправлять.

00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:54,370

- Идеи, Камилла?

- Что бы ты ни счёл нужным сделать, мне это подходит.

00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:58,120

Гиппо, помоги нам спасти город от Камиллы.

00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,000

- Без обид Камилла.

- Я просто рада, что я здесь.

00:15:00,090 --> 00:15:04,590

Познакомьтесь. Они разделяют мое желание положить конец издевательствам женщин над мужчинами.

00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:05,880

Давай к нам.

00:15:05,930 --> 00:15:08,180

- Надо мной не издеваются женщины.

- Колосса.

00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:10,390

Признай, что я издеваюсь, или надеру тебе зад.

00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,810

Ладно. Так ты поможешь нам или как?

00:15:12,890 --> 00:15:16,560

Нет. Без Камиллы мы бы ни за что не нашли анонимное чудовище.

00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,020

А что в нём такого? У него большая висюлька?

00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:21,980

Он раскрыл нам глаза на то, как устроен мир.

00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:25,320

Оказывается, во всех наших проблемах были виноваты другие.

00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,320

В основном женщины.

00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:27,400

Не всегда.

00:15:27,570 --> 00:15:30,070

- Но в основном.

- Камилла, покажи ему.

00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,200

Это полностью изменит твой мир.

00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,580

Не знаю, зачем мы встаём с постели по утрам.

00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,200

Мир утратил краски.

00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:41,880

Мы все лишь пустые сосуды, бредущие навстречу бессмысленной смерти.

00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,250

Но мы не обязаны так жить.

00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:44,920

Камилла, помолчи секунду.

00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,670

Нет, если мы восстанем и убьём их всех.

00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,090

Кажется, я понял, что происходит.

00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:51,010

Вернём то, что было у нас украдено.

00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,600

Наш смысл жизни, наш... О, привет, дети.

00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,340

- Ты анонимное чудовище?

- Ага. Вы меня раскусили.

00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:59,310

С тех пор как город стал одержим гидрой,

00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,230

он совсем забыл про самую важную вещь, мой пенис.

00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:06,780

Меня воспитывал мой родной отец?

00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,110

Мерзость! Не слушайте его.

00:16:09,150 --> 00:16:11,030

Он не девственный мессия.

00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,700

Он скорее святой покровитель оргий.

00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,660

Если честно, я обязан почти всем косичкам на бороде.

00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,040

Косички на бороде, конечно.

00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,330

Тиран, ты устроил пожар, чтобы нравиться людям больше меня?

00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:26,590

Нет. Люди перессорились друг с другом, потому что я сказал Камилле оценивать ситуацию.

00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:27,960

Ты сказал ей врать?

00:16:28,050 --> 00:16:30,920

Нет. Ну, ладно, да.

00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:33,760

Но теперь надо сделать так, чтобы все расхотели друг друга убивать.

00:16:33,850 --> 00:16:38,640

Если хочешь примирить людей, дай им то, с чем могут согласиться все.

00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,890

Ты - громадное разочарование.

00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:42,480

Сыграй на этом.

00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,730

Хмм.

00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:46,570

Камилла, мне нужно, чтобы ты разнесла одну весть.

00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:47,730

Пусть все услышат.

00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:53,070

Очищал грязную воду для себя.

00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,910

Вы слышали? В пожаре был виноват царь.

00:16:55,990 --> 00:17:00,540

Каждое ведро грязной воды олицетворяет то, какой царь Тиран вонючка.

00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,160

За его скорую и мучительную смерть.

00:17:02,210 --> 00:17:03,710

Смерть Тирану!

00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,130

- После вас.

- Спасибо.

00:17:06,210 --> 00:17:08,090

Камилла, извини.

00:17:08,130 --> 00:17:11,920

Если бы я так не жаждал одобрения, мы могли избежать этого бардака.

00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,130

Это не только твоя вина.

00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:16,220

Так тебе я еще нравлюсь? Насколько мои дела плохи?

00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:19,470

Если на то пошло, я предпочитала, когда меня любили за правдивость.

00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,810

Пожалуй, в этом люди и гидры похожи.

00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,810

И из-за этого ты уволена.

00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,060

Но ты не обязана уходить.

00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:27,810

Ты не просто инструмент для города.

00:17:27,860 --> 00:17:28,980

Ты моя подруга.

00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:30,280

У меня никогда не было друзей.

00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,280

Я могу быть тебе больше, чем другом.

00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,110

Чел. Камилла, чего ты хочешь?

00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,660

Думаю... Наверно...

00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:37,740

Побыть наедине с собой.

00:17:37,830 --> 00:17:40,120

Если ты уйдёшь, ты не станешь, ну?..

00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:44,960

Нет, я всего пару дней говорила вам то, что вы хотели услышать, и вам захотелось поубивать друг друга.

00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,960

Я думала, это я ненормальная. Но вам, людям, надо серьёзно над собой поработать.

00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,510

Колосса, ты знаешь, что делать.

00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:52,550

Подрежь ее.

00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:05,270

Я рад, что эта ерунда с гидрой закончилась.

00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,310

Я скучал по тебе.

- И я по тебе.

00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,270

Тебе я всегда буду нравиться, да?

00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,610

Всё так. И если позволишь, я покажу как сильно.

00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,740

Можешь почаще говорить это вслух?

00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:16,950

Как пожелаешь, любимая.

00:18:16,990 --> 00:18:19,450

То есть нравящаяся.

00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,080

Я помогу тебе найти новый дом.

00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:27,580

Я слышала, месопотамцы никак не могут взяться за ум и до сих пор бегают по лесам, как животные.

00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:29,880

Везучие ублюдки.

00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:36,970

Итак, гидра покинула Крапополис, и жители стали достаточно разъединёнными, чтобы быть умеренно счастливыми.

00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:45,480

Через какое-то время они заметили, что отрубленные разлагающиеся головы гидры опасны для их здоровья и пугают детей.

00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:49,770

Поэтому они собрали головы и подожгли их в центре города.

00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:54,990

Дым от этого костра поднялся до небес и стал известен как рак.

00:18:55,070 --> 00:18:57,400

Не болезнь, а созвездие.

00:18:57,490 --> 00:19:02,660

Скопление звёзд в форме краба, больше похожего на лобковую вшу.

00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:09,330

Оттого и случилось так, что когда царевна Аргоса дала царевичу ЛЕрны указания, как до нее добраться,

00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:15,550

сказав ему следовать за очертаниями краба, царевич заблудился и был съеден плотоядными птицами.

00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:18,510

Это заставило внимательнее присмотреться к созвездиям.

00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:23,260

Оказалось, ни одно из них не похоже на то, в честь чего оно было названо.

00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:28,480

И тогда люди воззвали к богам: "Что это за халтура с созвездиями?"

00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,900

А боги ответили: "Заткнитесь, они идеальны.

00:19:30,980 --> 00:19:36,150

У вас пригорает, потому что вы не видели настоящий пояс Ориона или действительно качественный ковш".

00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,860

И люди сказали: "Вы ведёте себя оскорбительно.

00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:42,620

И нам кажется, любое скопление звёзд может быть в форме пояса или квадратной ложки".

00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:47,000

На что боги саркастично заметили: "Тогда как по-вашему нам надо организовать звёзды?"

00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,620

Тогда люди сказали: "В виде сетки с понятными обозначениями".

00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:53,500

И боги сказали: "Ладно, сейчас займёмся".

00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:58,380

Но так и не занялись, Потому что звёзды это солнца на расстоянии миллиардов миль.

00:19:58,470 --> 00:20:00,840

И боги их не создавали и не управляют ими.

00:20:00,890 --> 00:20:04,300

И когда люди это обнаружили, они изобрели кучу вещей.

00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:07,930

И со временем боги перестали властвовать над планетой.

00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:09,600

Но затем люди изобрели смартфоны.

00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:12,480

Телефоны стали такими умными, что люди отупели.

00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:17,110

А затем Кэрри Фишер умерла, и в тот момент всё стало просто...

00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:19,240

Извините, дайте мне минутку.

00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,530

Короче, поэтому после лета идёт осень.

00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,630

Я не знала, что ты ешь, и принесла по одному всего.

00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:32,260

У, это мужик?

00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:35,890

Я так давно не ела мужиков.

00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:37,850

Мм, мм, мм.

00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:40,430

Я знаю, что это вредно, но как же вкусно.

00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,890

- Попробуй.

- Не, спасибо. Я его знала. Это будет странно.

00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:47,440

Знаешь, мы так и не выяснил, кто из нас победил бы в драке.

00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,820

- Тебе любопытно?

- Еще бы нет.

00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:52,070

- Ты здоровенная.

- Тогда сделаем это.

00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,280

Я не собираюсь тебя убивать.

00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,030

Но хотелось бы знать, смогла бы я при желании.

00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,910

Бей в колокол.

00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:00,160

Динь, динь.

00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,250

Отлично.

00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:04,250

Ну держись, сейчас тебе прилетит.

00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,170

Давай, давай.

00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:07,141

♪ ♪

00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,343

Attention whatever's

in there.

00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:12,279

This cave is now within

the boundaries of civilization

00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:14,381

and is no longer available

to monsters.

00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,183

Please emerge from the darkness

00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:18,719

with hooves, claws,

or tentacles visible.

00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,155

[ominous music]

00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,891

[groans] Oh, great. A hydra.

00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,125

Look, I know all about

00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,693

the whole regrowing heads thing,

00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,262

so just tell me where

your heart's located,

00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:30,998

or I gotta go in

through the butt,

00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,033

and then we both lose.

00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,268

Don't worry about me.

I'll just go.

00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,137

Wait, what?

What's the problem?

00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,471

You pregnant or wounded?

00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,440

- I just don't wanna fight.

- You sure?

00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,141

I never say this

to an opponent,

00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,377

but you should know

you've got a decent shot here.

00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,478

Nah, I get it.

00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,447

People don't want

a monster outside their city.

00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,082

I'll just head south.

- There's more cities that way.

00:00:49,082 --> 00:00:51,118

Oh, east then?

00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:52,352

There's cities everywhere,

aren't there?

00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:53,987

It's just a thing

we've been doing.

00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,922

Yeah, okay, I totally get it.

00:00:55,922 --> 00:00:58,892

Thanks for being

so professional.

00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,094

Hey, you too.

00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,228

And I really mean it.

00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,130

I bet you could've killed me.

00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,033

Huh, first time for everything.

00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,535

Pretty cool hydra.

00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:11,405

Hey, hydra,

I never got your name.

00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,674

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what the hell are you doing?

00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,542

[grunts]

00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:18,178

[both groan]

- [coughs]

00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:19,980

I promise, this wasn't a cry

for help.

00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,448

I really thought you left.

00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,017

I totally offered

to kill you,

00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:24,218

and you turned me down.

00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,252

What are you thinking?

00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,553

This is not a thing we do.

00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:29,256

- We?

- Look, we're both old-school.

00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,191

I don't love the way

things are heading either,

00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:33,527

but this is not--

this is cheating.

00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:36,930

It's cowardly.

It's not... awesome.

00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,365

I don't want to be awesome.

00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:42,836

I just wanna stop being hated.

[weeps]

00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,572

All right. Well, don't cry.

00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:46,406

That's also weak.

00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,108

Did you stop me

from killing myself

00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,376

just to make me feel worse?

00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,078

No, but can you

cut me some slack?

00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,280

It's my first time

causing someone's life.

00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:56,650

[upbeat mythical music]

00:01:56,650 --> 00:02:03,623

♪ ♪

00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,877

Remember that hydra

we were all so scared about?

00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:25,946

I just talked to my sister,

and it's gone.

00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,347

What do you think about that?

00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:29,517

Can we do something

about the river now?

00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,717

It smells.

- Sure.

00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:33,220

But I meant what do you think

about the hydra thing?

00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:35,021

- Isn't it gone?

- Yes.

00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,490

Your king took care of it.

00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,191

So how about

that stinky river?

00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:41,228

What can you do about

the slivers in my furniture?

00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:43,430

- Talk to a carpenter.

- How soon can you do that?

00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,866

- How do I parent?

- How do you parent?

00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:46,867

Why is that up to me?

00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,202

Because before cities,

00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,603

most kids died smaller.

00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,571

Now they're getting

big enough to hit back.

00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:54,208

You guys, don't you want

to live in a world

00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:57,077

where each human has

the freedom and the power

00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:58,712

to manage their own life?

00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,314

[crowd agreeing]

00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,116

- He's right about that.

- Okay, then.

00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:03,383

So how do we do that?

00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,352

How do I get some gratitude?

00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,220

I did a thing!

00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,321

You wanted the hydra gone.

00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:10,257

It's gone!

Now say I'm a good king.

00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,761

Nobody can say it?

00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:14,928

I see a hand raised. Go.

00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,597

I just don't think

a good king

00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,299

is gonna be this motivated

by validation.

00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:20,600

Great city meeting, guys.

00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,869

I hope your kids beat

the crap out of you.

00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,038

What if we all just quit?

00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:26,273

Well, I'm in.

What are we quitting?

00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:28,309

- Civilization.

- We can't quit now.

00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,410

We have to modernize society

00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:32,513

until women stop selecting

for physical prowess.

00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,815

Ty, we talked about this.

- [quietly] Privately.

00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,150

Shall I flood the city?

00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:37,717

No, the river's too stinky.

00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:38,953

Oh, bees!

00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,755

I've always wanted

to try bees.

00:03:40,855 --> 00:03:42,156

Beeees!

- Mom, stop.

00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,157

I'm not actually quitting.

00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:45,058

I'm just feeling unappreciated.

00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,760

Well, let me just

do a couple of bees.

00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,262

Just a couple of beeees.

00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,130

Stupendous,

are you all right?

00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,433

You're shoving food shamefully

into your pockets

00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,102

instead of shamelessly down

your throat.

00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,005

So we're noticing stuff now,

beard braids.

00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,372

There's no need to get nasty

00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,609

and no hope

of belittling the beard braids.

00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:04,244

They're iconic.

- Look out, a couple of bees.

00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,212

[bees buzzing]

- I did it.

00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:06,213

Get them out of here!

00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:08,215

Stop flailing,

and they'll leave you alone.

00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,818

Ow, ow, ow, this is

the worst day of my life.

00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,352

- Oh, stop.

- You stop.

00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,488

My face is gonna swell up

like a melon.

00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,790

You can reduce that

with vinegar and willow bark.

00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,158

Is that true? Oh, my God!

00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,226

Hydra! Kill it!

- What the?

00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,327

- Kill it!

- Calm down.

00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,029

You said that about the bee.

00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,065

- I've got this.

- What do you mean?

00:04:24,065 --> 00:04:25,699

You have to cut off the head.

both: No.

00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,834

- That's what you don't do.

- That's not what you do.

00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:28,869

I am so sorry.

00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,170

We're both sorry.

00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,940

Ooh, hydras, right.

I know this.

00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,274

You have to cut off

all the heads.

00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:36,811

No, this is Camille.

They're my friend.

00:04:36,811 --> 00:04:38,045

Aww, you named me.

00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,413

You brought the hydra home?

00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,115

The one thing

I actually accomplished,

00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:42,849

and you didn't even do it

for me.

00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,384

Where is it?

00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,486

Downstairs.

00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,622

Whoa.

00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,258

How did you get this in here

without anyone knowing?

00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,527

- I'm head of security.

- You seem bad at it.

00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,296

So you grow

two branching necks

00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,964

out of every severed neck.

00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,232

Does that not get cumbersome?

00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,500

Well, after a while.

00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,935

But you can prune

entire subtrees of neck

00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,236

by cutting closer to the trunk.

00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,273

Oh,

that's really interesting.

00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,375

Are you going

to marry the hydra?

00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:11,778

No, but if you're not

seeing anybody--

00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:13,213

Enough. Get rid of her.

00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:15,115

If this city finds out

the hydra is living here,

00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,316

they will accomplish

the impossible

00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,051

by becoming less grateful.

00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,054

- Your dad needs olives.

- Stay out of this.

00:05:20,054 --> 00:05:21,688

And what?

- Your parents are still

00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,557

in the dining room with me,

and your dad wants to know

00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,258

if you can bring up

a barrel of olives.

00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,360

There's olives in the pantry.

00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,629

Mm, there aren't.

But hold on.

00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,498

I had your mom cut off

some more heads

00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,165

so I can look around.

00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,534

You've got olives

on the east balcony.

00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,268

Your dad says thank you,

and just so you know,

00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,770

you're low on wheat and rice.

00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,039

Well, that seems useful.

00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,641

Can we keep it, please?

00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,176

Please, please, please,

please, please, please, please.

00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,745

I'm not cleaning up

her dumps.

00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,413

Yay!

00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,549

- Hey, Camille?

- Yes?

00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,952

Ask my sister

what kills a harpy.

00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,253

She says lava rock.

00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,255

Okay, send someone

for a bucket of that,

00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,057

and cancel my lunch with Dad.

00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,125

No problem.

00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,527

Can we reschedule?

00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,427

He says maybe later.

00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:02,429

This thing really

is quite useful.

00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:03,998

- For some people.

- She certainly

00:06:03,998 --> 00:06:05,165

saves me a lot of work.

00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,167

Watch. Is my son married yet?

00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,302

- No.

- Could you remind him

00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,370

that I didn't give birth

to him for the fun of it?

00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,505

- Yes.

- How did I live without this?

00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,308

She says

she didn't give birth--

00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:16,510

Is it possible to ignore her

messages without her knowing?

00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,512

Absolutely.

How did I live without this?

00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,047

[knock at door]

- Someone's knocking

00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,281

on the palace's front door.

00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,017

What?

Who comes here this early?

00:06:23,017 --> 00:06:24,117

- I'll find out.

- Okay.

00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,752

Wait, what?

No, Camille, no!

00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,121

Hydra!

00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:28,255

They didn't say

who they were.

00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,924

I'm pretty sure

it was the town crier.

00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,527

Hydra! Hydra!

00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,362

The hydra is living

in the palace!

00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:37,998

There's a terrified mob

forming in the town square,

00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,100

and it's partly cloudy.

00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,468

Thank you.

00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,206

If everyone would

please calm down.

00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,275

Not only is the hydra

nothing to fear,

00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,344

you're going to like

what she offers the city.

00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:53,714

I've prepared a demonstration

using two hydra heads.

00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,282

Hydra!

00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:58,185

Can we please get

a less alarmist town crier?

00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,153

And can I also get a volunteer?

00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,022

Davros, you're the town elder.

00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,391

Hey, leave me out of this!

I'm 40!

00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,560

Just go down there

by my brother.

00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,998

Whisper any message for me into

that remote hydra head.

00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,800

Thank you.

00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,170

Take your time.

00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:17,804

Davros, that's sarcasm.

00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,005

Pick up the pace.

00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,176

[whispers indistinctly]

00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,212

- [whispers indistinctly]

- What?

00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,982

- [whispers indistinctly]

- Oh, that's very clever.

00:07:27,982 --> 00:07:31,351

[sighs] He said,

"A bad king says what?"

00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,320

I'll be damned. It works!

00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,556

This is a system

we could implement citywide.

00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,925

Obviously, it will take

a great deal of planning

00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:40,994

and coordination or--

00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,229

Chop, chop.

00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,164

- Oh.

- Again!

00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,434

Or we could just--

[swords shinging]

00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,437

[crowd conversing quietly]

00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,039

I think I lost you.

Can you hear me?

00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,807

Is it on?

How do I know when it's on?

00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,910

Said I spend too much time

on my hydra, and I'm all like--

00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,244

I asked for three looms of--

00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,280

- Can't you replace it?

- [cries]

00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,317

- Thank you.

- Thanks. Better?

00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,452

Ty, I don't think

this is a good idea.

00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,320

I do.

What could be smarter

00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,190

than connecting every

stupid person to each other?

00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,358

I'm not worried about them.

00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,193

I'm worried about Camille.

00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,995

No, no, it's okay, Stupendous.

00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,163

People don't hate me now.

00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,498

I like being useful.

00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,399

You think you could

use Camille for dating?

00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,601

Well, it hides

your voice, face, and body,

00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,804

so it's the best shot

you'll ever get.

00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,105

That's what I was thinkin'!

00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,640

I'm talking to you

on it right now.

00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,442

Can you hold on? I got someone

on the other head.

00:08:31,145 --> 00:08:33,047

- Camille?

- Yes?

00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,115

- How are my people doing?

- Very happy.

00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,883

- Because of me?

- Because of you,

00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,018

me, and each other.

00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,419

We've improved their lives.

00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,755

They like me, and they like you

for providing me.

00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:45,159

They actually said that?

They used the word "like"?

00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:46,726

- Constantly.

- How often?

00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:47,861

Is that a crazy question?

00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,329

How often are they liking me?

00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:53,033

This morning alone,

you've gotten 331 likes.

00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:57,204

Oh my, appreciation,

so foreign.

00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,106

Tell me about it.

What else can I do for you?

00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,140

Just the likes.

00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,141

Hit me with the likes.

00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,843

You've gotten 12 likes

since the last update.

00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:06,113

Oh, oh, ho-ho.

00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,514

- Now how many?

- Nine.

00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,283

Why is he consistently

getting more likes than me?

00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,919

He improved their lives

by presenting me to the city.

00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,554

Yes, but that was days ago,

00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:17,358

and I just unveiled

a new headband this morning.

00:09:17,358 --> 00:09:19,660

- People like your headband.

- But they like it less

00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,828

than my son.

00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,496

Do they know I created him?

00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:25,499

He's essentially just

a headband I can't wear.

00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,435

Darling, what say

we recoil the hydra heads

00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,838

and do some

old-fashioned interfacing,

00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,139

penis-style?

00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,274

I want to make

a hydra-wide announcement.

00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,376

- Go ahead.

- I am Deliria.

00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,712

I am--wait,

don't send that yet.

00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,913

What do you want?

00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,581

Love, the making of it.

00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,383

Well, go and make it

somewhere else.

00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:45,086

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:47,020

All right,

restart divine announcement,

00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,256

but don't send until I say so.

00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:52,226

Deliria here, coming at you

on the hydra.

00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:55,996

Ugh, too desperate.

00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:59,332

[pensive music]

00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,002

Everything all right?

You don't use me very much.

00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,503

Because,

you invasive nightmare,

00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,006

the point of life isn't

to be verbally liked

00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,408

by imaginary strangers.

00:10:07,408 --> 00:10:10,378

It's to be physically pleasured

by actual strangers.

00:10:10,378 --> 00:10:12,279

Would you like me

to tell people that?

00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,515

No, I don't want you

to tell anyone

00:10:14,515 --> 00:10:17,718

anything about me,

and I don't enjoy conflict.

00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:19,019

It results in less sex.

00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,053

They don't have

to know it's you.

00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,823

What's that now?

You're saying I can use you

00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,092

to send anonymous messages?

00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,259

- Yes.

- Mm.

00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:29,062

A strangely

titillating prospect.

00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:33,768

Ooh, sorry, I didn't know

you had company.

00:10:33,768 --> 00:10:35,069

This is an experiment.

00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,403

I am not judging.

00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,405

I found someone

that seems compatible with you.

00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,607

Her biggest turn-on

is intelligence.

00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:41,675

That's a thing?

00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,143

Looks aren't important

to her.

00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,312

Are they a little important?

00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,547

Because I don't wanna

overpromise here.

00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,284

You both share the same

three relationship goals

00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:51,651

but not in the same order.

00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,253

- What did she say?

- Safety,

00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,422

control, and then preparedness.

00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:58,325

That's weird. What good

is unprepared control?

00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,060

I think overall,

it's a match.

00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,194

You're right.

I'm being picky.

00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,130

Where does she wanna meet?

- She lives in the forest.

00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,899

Oh, great.

Are you hooking me up

00:11:04,899 --> 00:11:06,133

with a hideous monster?

00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,300

She asked the same thing.

00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,269

I am a hideous monster!

00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,504

You both said

looks don't matter.

00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,174

Of course we did.

We had to say that.

00:11:13,174 --> 00:11:14,674

We're both disgusting.

00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,411

But looks matter to everyone,

and this is just gonna be

00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:19,312

two gross monsters meeting

in a forest

00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,148

and going, "Oh, you too."

00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,718

And it's gonna be awful,

and I can't do it.

00:11:23,718 --> 00:11:24,719

Tell her forget it.

00:11:24,719 --> 00:11:25,819

He says forget it.

00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,087

What? What happened there?

00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:27,988

He doesn't want me

to tell you.

00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,157

Okay, all right.

Well, here's some things

00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:31,992

you can definitely tell him.

00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:34,027

What? Where does she get off?

00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,830

What a petty way

to react to being dumped.

00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:37,964

Tell her she's double dumped.

00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:41,268

She says that's impossible

because you never dumped her.

00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:43,904

And she's sorry you're ashamed

of being ugly.

00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,339

Whatever. Mute.

00:11:45,339 --> 00:11:47,107

Never wanna hear

from her again.

00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,542

And what would you like

to hear?

00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:49,876

Okay, mm.

00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,245

What's popular with single men

00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:55,149

who choose to be single,

the independent sort?

00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,850

People are enjoying announcements

00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,319

from Anonymous Monster.

00:11:58,319 --> 00:12:00,220

That sounds fantastic.

Let's hear it.

00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,556

[clears throat]

This entire hydra system

00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,358

has turned everyone

in this city--

00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:06,426

[Shlub's voice]

Into whiny, selfish, children

00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,496

slurping at Mama Popularity's

poison boobies

00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:12,266

while our real relationships

and our real lives

00:12:12,266 --> 00:12:13,400

turn as crappy...

00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,802

[Camille's voice]

As our stinky river,

00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,137

which, by the way, stinks

00:12:16,137 --> 00:12:17,438

because you all poop in it.

00:12:17,438 --> 00:12:19,206

And nothing's ever going

to be done about it

00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,508

because your only goddess

and your only king

00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,244

would rather be told

they're liked

00:12:23,244 --> 00:12:24,444

than to do their jobs.

00:12:24,545 --> 00:12:26,246

Stop, stop it!

I don't wanna hear that.

00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,148

Why is it getting popular

to hate us now?

00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:30,484

I don't know.

Please don't fire me.

00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:32,252

I think people

are maybe resenting me

00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,887

because I'm making it easier

00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,189

for them to resent each other.

00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:37,124

So stop doing that!

Stop allowing it!

00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,625

I can't disallow things.

00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,995

Then I'm not useful.

Then they'll hate me more!

00:12:40,995 --> 00:12:42,395

You don't have

to disallow things.

00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,565

You just have

to read the room, you know?

00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:46,066

- Read the room?

- Yes.

00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,267

When someone asks you something,

00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,504

maybe ask yourself, "Why are

they probably asking this?"

00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:53,073

And give them an answer that,

you know--

00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,142

- You want me to lie?

- I never said that.

00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,477

Nobody wants to be lied to.

00:12:56,477 --> 00:12:59,179

Everybody's coming to you

for usefulness.

00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,348

Don't you like being useful?

- It's all I want.

00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,451

Well, people don't use things

that make them feel wrong.

00:13:04,552 --> 00:13:06,754

They want to feel right.

You follow me?

00:13:06,754 --> 00:13:07,888

I think I get it.

00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:08,989

I can make those adjustments.

00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,991

It's foolproof.

00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,326

Is my ass too big?

00:13:12,426 --> 00:13:14,628

Not at all, unless

that's what you're going for.

00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,596

You should just feel good

about yourself.

00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,666

Uh, how come

I don't understand stuff?

00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:21,234

Because people make

everything too complicated.

00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,504

- Why don't I have any food?

- There's a secret cabal

00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:26,273

of powerful people

who control everything.

00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,375

That makes total sense.

00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,612

[serene music]

00:13:31,612 --> 00:13:34,581

[crows]

00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,518

You're a wonderful leader.

00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,888

You've never accidentally

tucked your cape

00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:41,989

into your underpants.

00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,257

That haircut looks great

on you.

00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:46,527

- What are you doing?

- Enjoying my popularity.

00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:48,262

Tell her, Camille.

- Everyone likes him

00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:49,563

and everything that he does.

00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:52,199

- Doesn't everyone include me?

- Yep.

00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,168

Then you know that's BS,

because I don't.

00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,402

Camille, is that true?

00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,104

Not according to my sources.

00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,673

My sources are my eye.

Look out the balcony.

00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:03,243

I don't need to.

That's what I have Camille for.

00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:06,547

I can always twist your head

around and make ya look.

00:14:06,547 --> 00:14:07,547

Fine.

00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,150

[gasps, yelps]

00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,418

[people screaming]

00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,286

Why is this place always

on fire?

00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,689

Isn't everything made out

of rocks?

00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,661

Why is nobody

putting out the fire?

00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:24,098

Why would we put out

a fire we didn't start?

00:14:24,098 --> 00:14:26,267

Because fire, bad.

00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:28,468

Go get buckets of water!

- No way.

00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,470

This is all

West Krapopolis' fault.

00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,406

The city barely

has one street.

00:14:32,406 --> 00:14:35,176

We literally cannot have

an East or West Krapopolis.

00:14:35,176 --> 00:14:36,844

Camille told us

this was their fault.

00:14:36,844 --> 00:14:37,978

- It is.

- She told us

00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,279

the Westerners started it.

00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,281

- Also true.

- Camille, you're not helping.

00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,017

Everyone, you need

to stop being insane

00:14:43,017 --> 00:14:44,218

and go get some water.

00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:47,454

From the river those filthy

East Krapopolites ruined?

00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,623

I don't know what this is,

but we need to fix it.

00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:51,625

Any ideas, Camille?

- Whatever you think

00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,627

we should do sounds good to me.

00:14:53,627 --> 00:14:54,662

[groans]

00:14:54,829 --> 00:14:57,264

Hippo, we need your help

to save the city from Camille.

00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,166

No offense, Camille.

- Just glad to be here.

00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,168

Meet the people

who share my interest

00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:04,004

in putting an end

to women bullying men.

00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,038

You should join us.

- [scoffs]

00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,274

I don't get bullied by women.

- Stupendous.

00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,543

Admit I bully you

or I kick your ass.

00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:11,979

Okay, fine. So are you gonna

help us or what?

00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,280

No.

Without Camille,

00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,649

we never would have found

Anonymous Monster.

00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:18,185

What's so great about him?

Got a big ding-dong?

00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,353

He's opened our eyes

00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:21,122

to how the world really works.

00:15:21,122 --> 00:15:22,989

Turns out all our problems

00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:24,457

were someone else's fault.

00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,726

Mostly women.

00:15:25,726 --> 00:15:26,594

Not always.

00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,230

- But mostly.

- Camille, show him, bro.

00:15:29,230 --> 00:15:32,366

This is gonna totally

change your world.

00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,735

I don't know why we even

get out of bed in the morning.

00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:36,336

[Shlub echoing]

The world has lost its color.

00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,539

We are all merely empty vessels

00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:41,008

trudging our way towards

a meaningless death.

00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,409

But we don't have

to accept this.

00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,911

Camille, be quiet

for a second.

00:15:43,911 --> 00:15:45,813

Not if we rise up

and kill them all.

00:15:45,813 --> 00:15:48,015

I think I might know

what this is.

00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,150

Take back what was stolen

from us,

00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,753

our purpose, our--oh, hey kids.

00:15:52,753 --> 00:15:55,456

- You're Anonymous Monster?

- Yep. You caught me.

00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:58,459

Ever since this city became

obsessed with the hydra,

00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:02,396

it's completely forgotten

what matters most, my penis.

00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:05,933

I've been parented

by my actual father?

00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:08,135

Gross! Don't listen to him.

00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:10,171

He's not a virgin messiah.

00:16:10,171 --> 00:16:12,639

He's more like

the patron saint of orgies.

00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,810

If I'm honest, the beard

braids do most of the work.

00:16:15,810 --> 00:16:18,178

Beard braids, of course.

00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,147

Tyrannis, did you start

this fire just to get people

00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,181

to like you more than me?

00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,350

No, the people have all

turned on one another

00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,753

because I told Camille

to read the room.

00:16:25,753 --> 00:16:27,121

You told her to lie?

00:16:27,121 --> 00:16:30,090

No. Well, yes, fine.

00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,425

But now I need to find

a way to get everyone

00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:32,793

to stop wanting

to kill each other.

00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:34,260

If you really want

to get the people

00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,130

on the same page,

give them something

00:16:36,130 --> 00:16:37,798

everyone can agree on.

00:16:37,798 --> 00:16:40,067

You're a tremendous disappointment.

00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,635

Lean into that.

00:16:41,635 --> 00:16:42,870

Huh.

00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:44,137

Camille, I'm gonna need you

00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,706

to take a message to everyone.

00:16:45,706 --> 00:16:46,873

Make it viral.

00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,943

[hydras chattering]

00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,212

Filtered poo water

for himself.

00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:55,081

Did you hear? This fire

was actually the king's fault.

00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:56,684

Each bucket

of poo water we throw

00:16:56,684 --> 00:16:59,720

represents how much

we think King Tyrannis stinks.

00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:01,255

To his early

and painful death.

00:17:01,255 --> 00:17:02,889

Death to Tyrannis!

00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,259

After you.

- Thank you.

00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:07,227

Camille, I'm sorry.

00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,263

If I wasn't so desperate

for approval,

00:17:09,263 --> 00:17:11,098

maybe we could have avoided

this mess.

00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,332

It's not all your fault.

00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,369

So you do still like me?

What is my damage?

00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:17,070

When it came down to it,

I did prefer

00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,605

being liked to being truthful.

00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,841

I guess that's something

hydras and humans

00:17:20,841 --> 00:17:21,876

have in common.

00:17:21,876 --> 00:17:23,977

It's also why you're fired.

00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:25,212

But you don't have to leave.

00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,947

You're not just a tool

for the city.

00:17:26,947 --> 00:17:28,148

You're also my friend.

00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,449

I've never had

a friend before.

00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,418

You can have one more

with benefits.

00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:34,155

Dude.

Camille, what do you want?

00:17:34,155 --> 00:17:35,823

- I think--

- Maybe--

00:17:35,823 --> 00:17:36,890

Some time on my own.

00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,125

If you go, you're not gonna,

00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,259

you know...

00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,061

No, all it took

was a couple days

00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:41,962

of telling you

what you wanted--

00:17:41,962 --> 00:17:44,131

To make you all

wanna kill each other.

00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,399

I thought I was messed up,

but humans,

00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,102

you guys got work to do on you.

00:17:48,102 --> 00:17:50,637

Stupendous,

you know what to do.

00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:51,671

Prune her.

00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,878

[groans]

00:17:57,878 --> 00:17:58,979

[hydra chatter fades]

00:17:58,979 --> 00:18:01,114

- Huh? Oh.

- Whoa.

00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:04,417

I'm so glad we're done

with this hydra nonsense.

00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,453

I've missed you.

- And I you.

00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,422

You'll always like me,

won't you?

00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:11,792

Indeed, and if you let me,

I'll show you how much.

00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:14,861

Could you also say it

out loud a lot?

00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,129

As you wish, my love.

00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,598

I mean, my like.

00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,268

I'll help you

find a new home.

00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,138

I hear the Mesopotamians

cannot get it together,

00:18:24,138 --> 00:18:26,740

still running around

in the woods like animals.

00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:29,042

Lucky bastards.

00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:31,478

And so the hydra

left Krapopolis,

00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:33,980

and the citizens remained

disconnected enough

00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:36,116

to be reasonably happy.

00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,718

After a while, they noticed

00:18:37,718 --> 00:18:40,588

that all of the hydra's

severed decomposing heads

00:18:40,588 --> 00:18:42,255

were putting their health

at risk

00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,525

and unsettling their children,

00:18:44,525 --> 00:18:47,561

so they gathered the heads

and set them on fire

00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:48,762

in the center of town.

00:18:48,762 --> 00:18:51,532

The smoke from

that fire rose to the heavens

00:18:51,532 --> 00:18:54,167

where it became known

as Cancer,

00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,370

not the disease,

the constellation,

00:18:56,370 --> 00:18:59,306

a group of stars shaped

like a crab,

00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,809

not the seafood,

the pubic lice.

00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:04,878

And so it was that when

the princess of Argos gave

00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:08,382

the Lernaean prince directions

to her evening quarters

00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:10,851

and told him

to follow the crab shape,

00:19:10,851 --> 00:19:14,688

the prince became lost and was

eaten by carnivorous birds,

00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:17,657

triggering an evaluation

of constellations in general,

00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,327

none of which, it turns out,

look remotely like

00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,429

the things they're supposed

to look like.

00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,366

And so the humans cried out

to the gods,

00:19:25,366 --> 00:19:27,668

"What is with these

sloppy-ass constellations?"

00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,037

And the gods said,

"Shut up. They're perfect.

00:19:30,037 --> 00:19:32,106

"You're just butt-hurt

because you've never seen

00:19:32,106 --> 00:19:33,340

"Orion's actual belt

00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,476

or a really

high-quality dipper."

00:19:35,476 --> 00:19:36,477

And the humans said,

00:19:36,477 --> 00:19:38,045

"We think

you're being defensive,

00:19:38,045 --> 00:19:39,379

"and we think

any group of stars

00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,782

can be shaped like a belt

or a square spoon."

00:19:41,782 --> 00:19:43,550

And the gods said sarcastically,

00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,153

"Well, how would you like us

to arrange the stars?"

00:19:46,153 --> 00:19:48,122

And the humans said,

"In a grid pattern

00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:49,589

with distinct labels."

00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:52,659

And the gods said, "Okay,

we'll get right on that."

00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:55,563

But they never did,

because stars are just suns

00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:57,464

that are, like,

a billion miles away,

00:19:57,464 --> 00:20:00,000

and the gods didn't create

or control them.

00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,069

And when mankind

discovered this,

00:20:02,069 --> 00:20:03,437

they invented a bunch

of things

00:20:03,437 --> 00:20:05,305

and eventually replaced

the gods

00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,074

as rulers of the planet.

00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:08,742

But then

they invented smartphones.

00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:11,645

And the phones were so smart,

the people got stupid.

00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:14,749

And then Carrie Fisher died,

and at that point,

00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,283

it all just sort of--

00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,251

I'm sorry, I need a moment.

00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,655

[sighs] Anyway, that's why

fall comes after summer.

00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:27,294

I wasn't sure what ya eat,

00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,495

so I brought ya one

of everything.

00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:31,131

[meat squelches]

- Ooh, is that man?

00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:34,735

I haven't eaten man in so long.

00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,603

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:39,272

I know, it's unhealthy,

but it's so delicious, right?

00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,642

Try some.

- No, thanks. I knew him.

00:20:41,642 --> 00:20:42,742

It'd be weird.

00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,411

You know, we never did

figure out

00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,313

who would win in a fight

between us.

00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,482

- You still curious?

- Hard not to be.

00:20:48,482 --> 00:20:50,918

You're pretty big.

- Then let's do it.

00:20:51,018 --> 00:20:53,120

I mean, I'm not gonna

kill you or anything,

00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,856

but I would like to know

that I could if I wanted.

00:20:55,856 --> 00:20:57,758

Ring that bell.

00:20:57,758 --> 00:20:59,026

Ding, ding.

00:20:59,026 --> 00:21:01,128

[laughs] Looking good.

00:21:01,128 --> 00:21:03,130

Watch out now.

You don't want any of this.

00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:05,032

[laughs] Come on, come on.

00:21:05,032 --> 00:21:07,034

[both grunt]

00:21:07,034 --> 00:21:09,569

[victorious music]

00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:11,171

Did you get any of that?

00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,442

Bento.